My Arranged Marriage

          Today my husband and I  celebrate our 15th wedding Anniversary! If you have been wondering, yes, It was an arranged marriage. God has been good to us and I believe we have been good to each other!

           On this beautiful day 15 years ago, we had an arranged marriage but against popular belief of arranged marriages in India, it was not a forced marriage nor was it arranged when we were kids. I have been asked all sorts of questions by my American friends about having an arranged marriage, I have pondered writing a book, but as life would have it, at this juncture, this blog is my best bet.

            As for my Indian friends, no one bats an eyelid over such marriages, all their parents got married in similar fashion and most of my friends did. Some found their own spouses, some during college and some through the internet! In my case, I was absolutely comfortable in letting my parents find me my husband. They did the hard part! Checked  family background, education, economic stability, job security of the suitor and then presented the details to me.  All the things that would have made it profoundly much longer and tedious if I had dated and pryed that information myself. In this case, both families disclose details which sets the ground for openness and honesty. In a way, the parents iron out the kinks and there are no shocking discoveries to me made along the way!  Next came the part of consenting to be married! That does not come light or quick. Here I am , agreeing to spend the rest of my life with this man I do not know, a lot of thought had to put into this but with years of praying diligently, it took me 3 days to say yes. And say yes, I did.

         From my years in the United States, and watching people get married, my kinda' getting married seems all so upside down. We did not date for years or cohabit or plan our wedding together. He did not propose in one knee and I did not get a ring. No rehearsal dinners or wedding dress fitting stress. No in-laws stress. No arguing over the wedding dinner menu. We  spoke a lot on the phone and emailed regularly. We planned our shopping list for the house we are going to live in and got busy renting an apartment  and buying furniture. We planned on how we will live and how many kids we'd like to have. It seemed be just the right kind of getting prepared for me. Once we got married, getting to know my husband was like opening a gift. I knew it was a good one, because I had prayed  for it. Was I apprehensive whether I'd like it when I open it? Big time Apprehension. And when I did open the gift, thru' the initial months of being married, I had forgotten what apprehension was and had fallen head over heels in love with this man I had married. And the stories we shared about our childhood to each other and getting to know the person you are married to, in small yet profound, deliberate steps. There was something magical and beautiful. Not at all intimidating or mindboggling as you would imagine. It was indeed, just perfect for us.

            If there is one lesson I had learnt in this 15 years, Marriage, arranged or not, is not easy. It is a lot of work ,indeed. Looking back, so many things could have gone wrong along the way and we are so grateful it didn't. We were not perfect by any means. We held onto God like a lifeline through the years. Our kids humbled us, God refereed us, Prayer strengthened us and they continue to.         

         

Back to School

        My kids went back to school today! I am not quite sure if I am sad or not. My heart aches to not have them around but the quiet house reminds me that silence is indeed an option. I had forgotten silence. I was the most 'wanted' person during the Summer months. "What's for breakfast, MOM?", " Where is my shirt?", "Where is the remote?"," Where are my keys?"(this was the husband), "Where are we going today?" "Mom" "Mom, where are you?" Right about now,  a teacher in a school nearby is wondering why she signed up to be a teacher! I sit back and giggle. "I hope you had a well rested Summer, teacher! My kids have a lot of questions".

          But as we watched our kids get ready for their school, my husband and I could not help but be reminded of our own "getting ready" in India. We constantly are amazed by how drastically different and similar it can be. For one we had uniforms that we purchased every year, 2 sets and wore them throughout the year! Every school, public and private, had uniforms for their kids. Mine was white and blue. My husband's was white and khaki. We bought our soft cover books and bound them into hard covers in a 'printing press', were given a list of school supplies on the first day of school, we bought those and got them covered with brown paper and labeled them with our names and grade and section. We fought to get a seat at the very back of our classroom away from the direct vicinity of the teacher, not too hard when you are one in 70 students in a class. There was no meet and greet, no first day pictures. Just 'utter intimidation' as you step foot in your new classroom. Another year of "dread and high expectations" hanging over you! Dread because of the curriculum that adds on more for every exam that comes along the year. We had 3. Quarterly, Half yearly and Annual exams and for everyone you study more and by the time the annual exams come along, you better have studied the whole curriculum for that final exam. The make or break exam. The Annual exam. If you were a 12th grader in India it really is. That decides where your life will go! Whether you enter Medical school or Engineering.  The high expectations are that you are expected, by everyone else except you, to do your best and be the class topper and make it into Medical school or Engineering . Somehow other venues of  education are looked upon with much lesser value and yet the predominant society pursues those very venues when they don't make the cut !

          As I try to find some similarities to the 'then and now' and the 'there and here', the list of school supplies costs about a million bucks in both countries these days. Suddenly everything 'needs' to be purchased including backpacks and clothes and shoes in addition to the bare necessities.  Is there a remote possibility of a laptop computer? But the electronic calculator-not the cheap kind- is mandatory!! I sensed a subtle 'dread' in one of my 2 kids. Not my kind of dread-but dread of waking up early and the definite possibility of too much homework. The other one dreaded having to wait out 21/2 months of Summer to go back to school.  I do suspect my kids have a similar 'high expectation' criteria to meet.

           Everything was done online this year-school fees, registration, schedules. Truly at the cutting edge of  times, aren't we? My kids are ready to roll. I bet yours are too. Here's to wishing they have a joyful, healthy year ahead. Wishing for extra snow days and less testing. Wishing for more fun and less homework.

 

We have people for that

          In India, there are those who have it all: money, families, families with connections, a decent education and a job..  and then there are those who don't. Mainly due to circumstances of their families, or the families' economy and mere ill luck. No education, no money, no means, no guidance, no unemployment benefits. These are the people who have my respect. They take nothing lying down, don't pout about their misfortune, these are my fellow citizens who dust their misery aside, buck up and say, "Give me work to do, I need the money" .

          It could be a man who shows up at my doorstep and offers to be my driver. With the traffic we deal with, and the several modes of transportation ranging from animals to bicycles and motorcycles and cars and auto-rickshaws and trucks........a driver to ease the blood pressure hikes??? Oh yes, sir. Hired.

         During my first few months of being married, a middle aged woman who knocked at my door when I was pregnant and said, "Let me work for you, I need the money, you need help" and I said, "Please come in". She washed my clothes and my dishes, swept the floor, drank a cup of tea and got paid monthly- Not a bad idea. We chatted about our families and giggled at the neighbors. My maid(for the most part)was content with the money given, the leftover meals, the used clothes.... She knew how to manipulate me by her constant demand for a salary hike or the threat of quitting, but I knew better than to let her be hired by my neighbor who would pay her more. 

          And so I came to hire a driver, an occasional cook, a gardener, a painter, an electrician,a plumber and  a grocery delivery boy. All needed the money and yes, I needed the help. This reminds me of another maid that helped us for years, she was fiercely motivated to educate her sister because she had never had a chance at education. I did teach her to write her name and read the newspaper. Good times!

          Then came my move to the DIY country. The land of U-Haul. I  paint my rooms myself, and wake up the next day with aching muscles. Feeling the brunt of having been spoilt? The walls glare at me.. Feeling judged for their many boo boos? I drive my own car up and down, love the freedom but hate the technicalities. Esp. the oil changes and checking the brakes and oh! the car washes.

          You can imagine my surprise when the first American handyman charged $50 for the first hour and finished his job in 10 minutes. Or the painters we hired charged us so much, we seriously contemplated how badly injured we'd get if we fell off the roof painting the house ourselves.

             So while I ponder the ease of life in the US with my dishwasher, washer and dryer and vacuum cleaner which easily replaces the need of an Indian maid, I bet my relatives wonder if I indeed eat bon-bons and watch soap-operas all day long and drive around shopping away. Sure, I can hire a maid here....... at the cost of an arm and a leg!

             I try as I might explain to them and my kids, that shopping in the US is still getting every item off of the shelves and putting in the cart, pushing it to the counter, lifting every item off the cart and putting it on the conveyor belt, and once it is swiped and bagged and paid for, I still haul the bags and put it back in to the cart. Once I reach the car, every bag is hauled into the car and at home, every one of those bags is hauled into the house and every single item is put away.

This maid has had her strength training and is tired for the time being!! Where's the remote and the bon-bons?

Saying something from India

 

         The heat is stifling.  I am in India now! Visiting family for a month. Should have expected the heat since I was  born here and grew up here. But I had "imagined" it would be better when I visited this time. Now would be a good time to let you know I don't have a great imagination. Somehow thought, the weather would be kinder to me. No luck there! Well, the fix for the stifling heat is a hot cup of tea and if you're lucky some air conditioning. I say the former with a bit of sarcasm and the latter with a lot of humility. Not all have air conditioning. That says a lot about the people who put up with the heat without realizing things could be better- which brings me to the point of ' when you don't know what you are missing there is no place for whining'.

          Despite the heat, my kids are champs. They've mastered their bobble heads, reply in Tamil(my native language),know what TV channels to watch and what foods to ask for. So observant, so patient. I have loved watching them try new foods and pick their favorites. I have enjoyed watching them 'namaskar' our relatives with folded palms. I have relished teaching them to be proud of where they are from . I have utter joy in seeing them interact with their grandparents and listening to stories about their mom when she was young(er). Heat or not, this trip has been beautiful so far. I have loved blending in with my Indian crowd. Once I slip into my Indian clothes complete with jasmine flowers in my hair, I am one among the crowd. Yet, I love it when friends recognize me and taunt me for trying too hard! I love reminiscing old times with my parents, love finding age old pictures of myself in an album or a piece of paper with my writing on it.

          Life is a strange thing. You yearn  for things in your memory all your life and yet as time passes that same yearning looks onward to the life you need to return to. It hurts at the prospect of moving on and yet you do, you move on with your life. The vacation will end, life will start back on. But my memories will be richer and my life will be fuller. I just know it. But for now, I will pack my boxes as the trees outside consider the light breeze coming on and wonder if they should sway or not.

Chai Tea and Saag Paneer

            Two terms that drove me up the wall.   Anyone mention it to me and I'd go,      "there they go stereotyping this innocent Indian woman". I went from this notoriously irritating phase to "Oh, let me help you stereotype me into one of those Indian women".

             From where I come from in India, which is the Southern part, we drink tea. Add tea leaves to boiling water and milk, simmer a couple minutes, add sugar and drink. We even call it.... tea. Some households, drink it twice a day, some thrice, some keep no count. But that is it.

             I had never heard of 'chai' unless it was part of learning Hindi where chai means tea.  The first time I drank chai was in the United states. After hearing so much about chai and after being asked numerous times if I can make chai, I relented and got some chai powder added it to my tea and whoa! was blown away. The spices deepened the flavor and heightened the taste. The aroma tied it all together and my throat was beyond pleased.

             Since then I have taken a keen interest in switching things around with what I add to my chai. Crushed ginger, or pepper or cardamoms and cloves and cinnamon. Anyway I make it, it hits the spot. This year, I downloaded a recipe from the internet and made 25 packets of chai powder as a gift for my kids' teachers and my friends. Thus, enlisting myself to be kindly stereotyped.

           Oh and remember the time I said chai was a hindi word for tea? That is why I still get all riled up when someone says Chai tea, but maybe I shouldn't. I live in a town that has a Table Mesa mountain!!

             Saag paneer..................never heard of it either, until I came to the US. Did not even know what Saag meant. Sounded like it could be soggy and guess what, it IS! Once again, I have to pertain to the fact, that it is a North Indian dish and there was no reason for me to hear about it in my state where we have our own cuisine and very spoilt taste buds. Yet again, when people ask you over and over if I knew how to cook it, there is a sense of intrigue that makes you want to try it. That or your town only has North Indian restaurants and your choices  for  Indian eat outs are limited. Today I have had 2 friends tell me that I make the best Saag in the world. GREAT! Stereotyping going great.

                                               

American Cuisine

                                                    American Cuisine

            When I first got to the US, I was just fascinated with the novelty of American food. The new smells in the restaurants and the numerous  herbs with unique names were so intriguing. I pestered my friends to give me recipes from their cooking  magazines and followed them to the tee. Had no idea of substitutions, no idea that I could buy extra groceries and put it in a pantry. Got what I needed at the store and that was that. Definitions of cuisine terminology were not a given with my Indian metric system upbringing- measurements in quarts and pints and ounces, and cups and tablespoons  seemed to limit my imagination or creativity but if I wavered, how would I know how the dish was supposed to look or taste? So I stuck with it.

            New names were another torment..... like casseroles......I had once made a sweet potato casserole for dinner. That was  it. Nothing else. Nobody told me you needed meat to go with it or a salad. We just stared into that dish all evening!

            I slowly dawned on me that no matter how Americans agreed or disagreed on Hispanic immigration laws, I realized they all loved Mexican food with a passion. Vegetables were optional. Pizza was not. Lettuce was zero calories but the salad dressings were not. The one, big lesson for me-weight gain was easy, weight loss was not.

            I loved being introduced to a built-in oven.  In my hometown, we did not have ovens, we lived in one. So seeing one below the stove gave me a kick. Amazing how you put everything in and dinner is done in an hour. WOW! That was  a welcome surprise considering  the  number of  hours we log in, in the kitchen, cooking our lentils and rice and curries. Since almost everything in Indian cooking is water based, almost all the dishes need to be supervised to avoid getting them burnt.

               With the new oven, came the discovery of boxed cake mixes..... With baking came humility. You wouldn't think they'd go hand in hand but the first time I made a batch of cookies, I looked in the oven when the timer beeped and saw they were perfect, so I closed the oven, turned off the stove and walked away.......so we could eat those yummy cookies when they cooled down. HUGE mistake.... Note to self, remove cookies from oven when done unless you want them burnt beyond recognition.

                An oven and a dishwasher, to me was joy on top of freedom!!! But the dishwasher story is for another day.

When my 2 worlds collide

                                           

            Generally, when there is a collision, you expect sirens........ and if that does not happen, you wait for something to start hurting....... when that doesn't happen.......You look at the crossroads and wonder which road to take. Eventually  you do what you  have to do, you make a choice. Not so much like Mr. Robert  Frost, you  tell yourself  you're going to  try to make the best of both worlds. This was me 12 years ago. Some days this is me today.

            You guessed it. I am from the beautiful India. One day, I moved to the United States.

            I had been in the same place several times in my life, where cultures clash and you can't figure out if it's yours or the other's that clashes more.

           The questions, the frowns and raised eyebrows - I encountered rather hesitantly and braved the culture that seemed hard to grasp.  

            But  after 12 years, I feel I have embraced it enough to make my way thru' it but out of the blue, something would come along and leave me speechless or breathless. I find enough oxygen soon enough and muster the courage for yet another day and another year.

             I read amazing, intelligent blogs of brave people. This is not such an attempt. I do not aspire to be amazing or intelligent and least of all brave. I just want to make you smile. Maybe even laugh. Just want to give you a peep into my life of how I seemingly handled my culture shock and share my adventure in pitching my tent in another country with my family. Where will I be if not for my family?

             My sweet husband taught me how to start a blog. I have the loveliest of kids. They read my blog and call me 'the blogger'. I think it is catching on in my household that mom is going to share her stories.

              So check out my blog every week. Or every other week.