That feeling of dread

       A trip to India is way too long and way too expensive. There is a point to this, please be patient. I mention the trip because every time you want to take one, these 2 points suggest you rethink that thought. Even when you muster the courage to go thru' with the thought process, arithmetic for 4 people in the family floors you. Then you postpone the trip or the thought, if you may, for a later year.

        Through these years, I have heard of relatives getting married, babies being born, my parents' birthdays and wedding anniversaries roll by, or a death anniversary of a close relative and you heave a sigh and move on.  My worst have been Christmases. While we battle being by ourselves on Christmas in the US, we hear of family get-togethers back home. News of family dinners and gatherings in India leave me seething in jealousy or agony. Interestingly, here in the United States, Christmas dinners and gatherings ARE family events which naturally eliminates 'others' .

           On the contrary, it's not just the joyous occasions you miss out on,  a parent falling ill or stubbing a toe, a heart attack or a sudden death are moments when I wish we lived closer. Maybe a surprise visit would not be impossible if we lived in the same country. How do you justify visiting your parents every 2 or 3 years, losing the closeness or the comfort you once had in talking about everything with each other and laughing over silly stuff. It dawns on you that we have indeed become distant. We will never be the same again and one day they will be gone. My kids will remember the memories they made with their grandparents from the too far apart summer visits they have had. They will cherish that, I am sure, but could there have been more? One day 2 years ago,  we lost someone very special. A parent. Ironically we were the last ones to get there after 36 hours.

          One of my very close friends told me, "You live here by choice, so why do you make it look so miserable?" Oh, I wish she had chosen her words carefully. I sure reminded myself to choose my friends carefully. Yes, it was a choice and every choice has its consequence but how do you tell your heart that? How do you cut your emotions from your reality?  How do you calm that panic when you hear the phone ring in the odd hours of the night? Or how do you steady your heart those moments before you answer the phone wondering if everyone is alive? Or how do you deal with the tightness in your chest when you recognize the number is from India but it is not your parents'? Or try to understand why you are hearing someone else's voice and an alarm goes off that this is probably bad news! Those moments have been few and far in between, yet when it happens, it is a thunderbolt. Every time.

Tooth Fairy

             My daughter lost yet another tooth today!  This reminded me that I had written a whole page about the tooth fairy a few years ago. So after a few edits, here it is.

            Nowadays,Tooth fairy is a big deal in my house. We have welcomed her or him (in case this is 'The Rock, Mr. Dwayne Johnson......you know the guy from the tooth fairy movie? )several times with my older son's teeth episodes and have joyfully ventured into my younger daughter's journey, so to speak.

            A few years ago, I was oblivious to this concept of the tooth fairy. My older son was at the verge of losing his first baby tooth when my baby girl was just beginning to teeth! A few years into our living in the US, I remember vividly, the first time my son mentioned ' the tooth fairy'. "Mom, everyone in school's telling me the tooth fairy is going to visit me soon", he casually said.

                                              "WHO?   WHAT?    WHY?"

            As any quick thinking 'international' mother would do, I did my research and delivered!! I made arrangements and the tooth fairy left a whopping dollar under my son's pillow. Phew! Dodged a bullet there.

            Now what I did not know was, the fairy was expected to come every time a tooth was lost. Seriously? The second time, she left 5 dollars under his pillow. My best guess is, she did not have change because she probably did not know my son was going to lose his tooth over dinner and she probably did not have time to run to the store to get some change. That 5 dollar thingy stopped right there. I made sure the tooth fairy never did that again. I even left a note that said, "One dollar would be enough, fairy" and had my son sign it.

            She showed up even when my son swallowed a tooth and went into a frenzy of what would happen to his tummy. Very uncalled for and quite unexpected, she came anyway. Left a dollar! and made my son's day. She was consistent however, until he started losing his molars....... and let me ask you do they not count????  Don't molars matter? Are they not teeth? Because she DID NOT SHOW UP-much to my son's dismay. Ugh! How dare she forget? But after numerous notes, she came one day and left a little something. But my son was over it by then. It took a bit of prodding from my family's side to convince my son to actually look under his pillow. Lo and behold! She had come and she had left a dollar.....just like mommy had guessed. Thank you, tooth fairy. For changing me from a 'What is a tooth fairy?"  to "I can make her show up tonight". I think I am a pro at this now. I really,really hope she has that dollar that needs to be put under my daughter's pillow tonight.

            All I had growing up was ,"You lost your teeth? OOH the flood gates are open." or "Is that the gateway of India?" or " Did you drop it off at the cleaners?" I can't wait to mention the 'tooth fairy' to my relatives in India or mention that there is actually a pillow you can buy which comes with a pocket to put the tooth in! Just can't wait. I wonder how much money every kid makes just by virtue of losing baby teeth that is bound to fall out anyway. Should those funds just be redirected to 'the braces funds' which is probably the next 'teeth' event in the next few years?!

 

 

Football

        I am careful these days to mention that my kids play Soccer to my American friends and properly say that they play Football when I talk to my Indian relatives. If that wasn't confusing enough, here is another: Indian Football in not American Football. Indian Football is American Soccer. Phew!

          But my confusion lingers even after all these years after I moved to the US, because, in what we call football in India(or Europe), we actually use our feet to kick the ball around. If it touches the hand, it is called a hand ball and the play is stopped for further review or a penalty kick.  But here in the United States, in the game of Football,the football is thrown by the quarterback(using his hand), caught by a running back or a wide receiver(using his hands) and  is carried in the crook of his elbows(!) as he runs to make a Touchdown.  As this happens the defense is trying to push away the offense, using their strong hands. In case of an interception, the ball is caught by a player of the opposite team using his very hands. The punting and the field goals, as far as I know, are the only times when the kickers use their feet!!!

So why the name Football?  I ask.

          While this question still remains unanswered , I do find a few other things in Football intriguing, to say the least. I find the fact that the Quarterbacks get instructions thru' out their play, very fascinating. What is competitive about being coached as you play?  Any other sport has the coaches in the sidelines jumping up and down while Football QBs enjoy the luxury of advice, it seems, as they play.

          Next, is the amount a team is willing to pay a QB when the country in swarming in an economic crisis......... A number beyond my comprehension. A number beyond logic and reason. How come they don't ever take a pay cut? Why are football game tickets so expensive?  Why are cheerleaders such a huge part of a Football team? Why is the food sold at  the concession stand so expensive? Why do people love Football so much, they rush home soon after church to watch it? What does Football do that has this country wrapped around its little finger?

Hmmmmm.  Could this tinge of bitterness be out of resentment now that I am forced to settle for a small TV while my husband has encroached the 40" TV to watch his favorite Football team get crushed? Or could it be that my family that has strict TV times and strict bed times, has all the rules broken on a day that Football is aired? or could it be the fact, since Tebow is not tebowing in my home state anymore, or anywhere for that matter, my newfound interest in football suddenly waned?

          So as I grumble about my husband's distraction and mutter my way to bed, I hear an occasional YES and then many "oh no"s and several hours later a dejected hubby climbs into bed explaining how things could have been different and what they should have done. It has recently just dawned on me, I am that American wife that complains about her football addicted husband.

          After all the whining, I am proud to declare that my family and I  are now ardent Seahawks fans these days. Even after that heart wrenching interception Super bowl loss that very last second! What if it's a 1-2 start this year....... There is still hope! If deflategate can disappear into thin air, and Brady's suspension can be overturned, I guess anything can happen! Go Hawks!

          We can handle American Football and FC Barcelona and Real Madrid.  As far we are concerned, Messi, Brady, Neymar, Wilson, Suarez and Rodgers all play Football. Now to work on getting them all in one fantasy team!!!

 

My Arranged Marriage

          Today my husband and I  celebrate our 15th wedding Anniversary! If you have been wondering, yes, It was an arranged marriage. God has been good to us and I believe we have been good to each other!

           On this beautiful day 15 years ago, we had an arranged marriage but against popular belief of arranged marriages in India, it was not a forced marriage nor was it arranged when we were kids. I have been asked all sorts of questions by my American friends about having an arranged marriage, I have pondered writing a book, but as life would have it, at this juncture, this blog is my best bet.

            As for my Indian friends, no one bats an eyelid over such marriages, all their parents got married in similar fashion and most of my friends did. Some found their own spouses, some during college and some through the internet! In my case, I was absolutely comfortable in letting my parents find me my husband. They did the hard part! Checked  family background, education, economic stability, job security of the suitor and then presented the details to me.  All the things that would have made it profoundly much longer and tedious if I had dated and pryed that information myself. In this case, both families disclose details which sets the ground for openness and honesty. In a way, the parents iron out the kinks and there are no shocking discoveries to me made along the way!  Next came the part of consenting to be married! That does not come light or quick. Here I am , agreeing to spend the rest of my life with this man I do not know, a lot of thought had to put into this but with years of praying diligently, it took me 3 days to say yes. And say yes, I did.

         From my years in the United States, and watching people get married, my kinda' getting married seems all so upside down. We did not date for years or cohabit or plan our wedding together. He did not propose in one knee and I did not get a ring. No rehearsal dinners or wedding dress fitting stress. No in-laws stress. No arguing over the wedding dinner menu. We  spoke a lot on the phone and emailed regularly. We planned our shopping list for the house we are going to live in and got busy renting an apartment  and buying furniture. We planned on how we will live and how many kids we'd like to have. It seemed be just the right kind of getting prepared for me. Once we got married, getting to know my husband was like opening a gift. I knew it was a good one, because I had prayed  for it. Was I apprehensive whether I'd like it when I open it? Big time Apprehension. And when I did open the gift, thru' the initial months of being married, I had forgotten what apprehension was and had fallen head over heels in love with this man I had married. And the stories we shared about our childhood to each other and getting to know the person you are married to, in small yet profound, deliberate steps. There was something magical and beautiful. Not at all intimidating or mindboggling as you would imagine. It was indeed, just perfect for us.

            If there is one lesson I had learnt in this 15 years, Marriage, arranged or not, is not easy. It is a lot of work ,indeed. Looking back, so many things could have gone wrong along the way and we are so grateful it didn't. We were not perfect by any means. We held onto God like a lifeline through the years. Our kids humbled us, God refereed us, Prayer strengthened us and they continue to.         

         

Back to School

        My kids went back to school today! I am not quite sure if I am sad or not. My heart aches to not have them around but the quiet house reminds me that silence is indeed an option. I had forgotten silence. I was the most 'wanted' person during the Summer months. "What's for breakfast, MOM?", " Where is my shirt?", "Where is the remote?"," Where are my keys?"(this was the husband), "Where are we going today?" "Mom" "Mom, where are you?" Right about now,  a teacher in a school nearby is wondering why she signed up to be a teacher! I sit back and giggle. "I hope you had a well rested Summer, teacher! My kids have a lot of questions".

          But as we watched our kids get ready for their school, my husband and I could not help but be reminded of our own "getting ready" in India. We constantly are amazed by how drastically different and similar it can be. For one we had uniforms that we purchased every year, 2 sets and wore them throughout the year! Every school, public and private, had uniforms for their kids. Mine was white and blue. My husband's was white and khaki. We bought our soft cover books and bound them into hard covers in a 'printing press', were given a list of school supplies on the first day of school, we bought those and got them covered with brown paper and labeled them with our names and grade and section. We fought to get a seat at the very back of our classroom away from the direct vicinity of the teacher, not too hard when you are one in 70 students in a class. There was no meet and greet, no first day pictures. Just 'utter intimidation' as you step foot in your new classroom. Another year of "dread and high expectations" hanging over you! Dread because of the curriculum that adds on more for every exam that comes along the year. We had 3. Quarterly, Half yearly and Annual exams and for everyone you study more and by the time the annual exams come along, you better have studied the whole curriculum for that final exam. The make or break exam. The Annual exam. If you were a 12th grader in India it really is. That decides where your life will go! Whether you enter Medical school or Engineering.  The high expectations are that you are expected, by everyone else except you, to do your best and be the class topper and make it into Medical school or Engineering . Somehow other venues of  education are looked upon with much lesser value and yet the predominant society pursues those very venues when they don't make the cut !

          As I try to find some similarities to the 'then and now' and the 'there and here', the list of school supplies costs about a million bucks in both countries these days. Suddenly everything 'needs' to be purchased including backpacks and clothes and shoes in addition to the bare necessities.  Is there a remote possibility of a laptop computer? But the electronic calculator-not the cheap kind- is mandatory!! I sensed a subtle 'dread' in one of my 2 kids. Not my kind of dread-but dread of waking up early and the definite possibility of too much homework. The other one dreaded having to wait out 21/2 months of Summer to go back to school.  I do suspect my kids have a similar 'high expectation' criteria to meet.

           Everything was done online this year-school fees, registration, schedules. Truly at the cutting edge of  times, aren't we? My kids are ready to roll. I bet yours are too. Here's to wishing they have a joyful, healthy year ahead. Wishing for extra snow days and less testing. Wishing for more fun and less homework.

 

We have people for that

          In India, there are those who have it all: money, families, families with connections, a decent education and a job..  and then there are those who don't. Mainly due to circumstances of their families, or the families' economy and mere ill luck. No education, no money, no means, no guidance, no unemployment benefits. These are the people who have my respect. They take nothing lying down, don't pout about their misfortune, these are my fellow citizens who dust their misery aside, buck up and say, "Give me work to do, I need the money" .

          It could be a man who shows up at my doorstep and offers to be my driver. With the traffic we deal with, and the several modes of transportation ranging from animals to bicycles and motorcycles and cars and auto-rickshaws and trucks........a driver to ease the blood pressure hikes??? Oh yes, sir. Hired.

         During my first few months of being married, a middle aged woman who knocked at my door when I was pregnant and said, "Let me work for you, I need the money, you need help" and I said, "Please come in". She washed my clothes and my dishes, swept the floor, drank a cup of tea and got paid monthly- Not a bad idea. We chatted about our families and giggled at the neighbors. My maid(for the most part)was content with the money given, the leftover meals, the used clothes.... She knew how to manipulate me by her constant demand for a salary hike or the threat of quitting, but I knew better than to let her be hired by my neighbor who would pay her more. 

          And so I came to hire a driver, an occasional cook, a gardener, a painter, an electrician,a plumber and  a grocery delivery boy. All needed the money and yes, I needed the help. This reminds me of another maid that helped us for years, she was fiercely motivated to educate her sister because she had never had a chance at education. I did teach her to write her name and read the newspaper. Good times!

          Then came my move to the DIY country. The land of U-Haul. I  paint my rooms myself, and wake up the next day with aching muscles. Feeling the brunt of having been spoilt? The walls glare at me.. Feeling judged for their many boo boos? I drive my own car up and down, love the freedom but hate the technicalities. Esp. the oil changes and checking the brakes and oh! the car washes.

          You can imagine my surprise when the first American handyman charged $50 for the first hour and finished his job in 10 minutes. Or the painters we hired charged us so much, we seriously contemplated how badly injured we'd get if we fell off the roof painting the house ourselves.

             So while I ponder the ease of life in the US with my dishwasher, washer and dryer and vacuum cleaner which easily replaces the need of an Indian maid, I bet my relatives wonder if I indeed eat bon-bons and watch soap-operas all day long and drive around shopping away. Sure, I can hire a maid here....... at the cost of an arm and a leg!

             I try as I might explain to them and my kids, that shopping in the US is still getting every item off of the shelves and putting in the cart, pushing it to the counter, lifting every item off the cart and putting it on the conveyor belt, and once it is swiped and bagged and paid for, I still haul the bags and put it back in to the cart. Once I reach the car, every bag is hauled into the car and at home, every one of those bags is hauled into the house and every single item is put away.

This maid has had her strength training and is tired for the time being!! Where's the remote and the bon-bons?

Saying something from India

 

         The heat is stifling.  I am in India now! Visiting family for a month. Should have expected the heat since I was  born here and grew up here. But I had "imagined" it would be better when I visited this time. Now would be a good time to let you know I don't have a great imagination. Somehow thought, the weather would be kinder to me. No luck there! Well, the fix for the stifling heat is a hot cup of tea and if you're lucky some air conditioning. I say the former with a bit of sarcasm and the latter with a lot of humility. Not all have air conditioning. That says a lot about the people who put up with the heat without realizing things could be better- which brings me to the point of ' when you don't know what you are missing there is no place for whining'.

          Despite the heat, my kids are champs. They've mastered their bobble heads, reply in Tamil(my native language),know what TV channels to watch and what foods to ask for. So observant, so patient. I have loved watching them try new foods and pick their favorites. I have enjoyed watching them 'namaskar' our relatives with folded palms. I have relished teaching them to be proud of where they are from . I have utter joy in seeing them interact with their grandparents and listening to stories about their mom when she was young(er). Heat or not, this trip has been beautiful so far. I have loved blending in with my Indian crowd. Once I slip into my Indian clothes complete with jasmine flowers in my hair, I am one among the crowd. Yet, I love it when friends recognize me and taunt me for trying too hard! I love reminiscing old times with my parents, love finding age old pictures of myself in an album or a piece of paper with my writing on it.

          Life is a strange thing. You yearn  for things in your memory all your life and yet as time passes that same yearning looks onward to the life you need to return to. It hurts at the prospect of moving on and yet you do, you move on with your life. The vacation will end, life will start back on. But my memories will be richer and my life will be fuller. I just know it. But for now, I will pack my boxes as the trees outside consider the light breeze coming on and wonder if they should sway or not.